This is a special humor section for the LEU. Everything in this section is 1) intended for humorous purposes only, 2) presented with satiric intent, and 3) is probably false. All copyrights and trademarks are the property of their respective owners. Readers of this section are responsible for any actions that they take or fail to take after reading this and the LEU assumes no responsibility for said actions or lack of actions.
Electronic Soapbox
I Hate it When
Anonymous
You know, I hate it when I stick my hand in the disk drive and it pulls my fingers into contact with the power supply and cooks me like a goose. You you, I hate it when I'm showering with my Macintosh and the power supply gets soaked and shorts out the whole apartment complex. You know, I hate it when I try to print my name on a bologna sandwich with my laser printer and it gets stuck. You know, I hate it when I plug my cat into a NuBus slot and my computer won't run any faster. You know, I hate it when I hammer in some new RAM with a ball peen hammer, and it doesn't work.
News & Rumors
PowerPCs and Sterility
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Apple announced today that PowerPCs cause sterility in male users. Apple's legal department announces that Apple is only obligated to pay each victim $50. An Apple spokesperson later announced that each victim would be given a new Macintosh Mouse and two replacement balls. MCL
Subliminal Messages in Startup Chimes
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Apple today shocked the world by revealing it's startup chimes had subliminal messages like: "You wanna have sex with a dolphin." DTC
Apple Goes Command Line
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Apple today shocked the world by announcing its intent to return to the command line interface. An Apple spokesperson had this to say "We have come to the realization that the graphic interface is a thing of the past. The wave of the future is the command line interface. We are certain that users will gladly switch over to this new operating system." MCL
New Software and Hardware Releases
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1. Goodly Righter Grammar and Spell Chekur 3.0
2. RAM Halfer
3. SIMSewer
4. Managing Other People's Money
5. After Dawn Screen Burner
6. CD Scratcher
7. 50 Baud Modem with E.32 Error Creation
8. Shower Adaptor Kit for the Mac
9. Hard Drive Fragmentor 3.0
10. Mac Crasher 2.0
MCL
Tips and Advice
Things Not To Do
==========================
1. Do not shower with your Mac.
2. Do not operate a Mac while under water.
3. Do not use a Mac as a soccer ball.
4. Do not sacrifice small, furry animals to Zodak, God of Space, by stuffing them into the disk drive of your Mac.
5. Do not strike your Mac with a sledgehammer.
6. Do not open the Mac case and lick exposed metal surfaces.
7. Do not attempt to plug any external Mac devices into your nose.
8. Do not tell your husband/wife/aignificant other/etc. that you love your Mac more than anything in the universe.
9. Do not attempt to eat floppy disks.
10. Do not attempt to give yourself a tattoo using a laser printer.
MCL
Things to Do
===========
1. Give all your hard drive cute names.
2. Talk to your computer-like plants, computers function better when spoken to on a regular basis.
3. Buy lots of really expensive software for your computer.
4. Glue cute animal ears on the sides of your monitor.
5. Refuse to speak or asociate with IBM users.
6. Regularly write letters to your local paper exposing the fact that Lucifer, the Prince of Lies, is actually the CEO of IBM.
7. Have the Apple logo tattooed on your buttocks.
8. Name all your pets after Mac models.
9. Constantly write letters to MacWorld.
10. Use your fax modem to send scanned images of your body parts to friends and associates. Be sure to send one to Bill Gates.
